Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Guys at Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Friday, May 25, 2007

Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Church Rules

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them,"We have a special requirement for new member couples".

"You must abstain for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after three weeks they returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain for the required month." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible,but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Monday, May 21, 2007

FunkyThoughts: Importance of a name

A good 'lesson' on why you should always admit to your 'mistakes' and not put the blame on others..LOL !


Little 'Kids'

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Recueilli: Virtual Haircut

You can do anything online ! When my hair gets too long, this is the place that I go to get my virtual hair cut.


Monday, May 7, 2007

Person Making Contest...

Updated 'politically correct' Man Making Contest Joke...

So one day a very well-known and prominent Engineer had a spiritual crisis. She decided to take off a month and partake in a quest to find the meaning in life.

She wandered through the forest, and climbed the tallest moutain she could find. She fasted for 10 days and nights.

Eventually, GOD came to her in a vision, and said, "Hello, my child, what is troubling you?"

"Lord,", she responded, "We humans have come a long way in our science and technology, we have created many wonders, we can bulid massive structures, we have harnessed the power of the wind, the sea, and even the sun. We have learned to clone and grow our own children.I fear that you are no longer needed in this world that we have created.

God thought and pondered on this for a moment and finally he said, "Very well, my child, how about we have a person making contest." If you can make a better person then I have, then I will leave you to be on your own.

The Engineer thought for a moment, bent down and grabbed a handfull of dirt, with a smirk on her face she said "Okay I'm ready when you are !"

But GOD, looked at her, shook his head and stated, "No, my child, you must get your own dirt !"

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

The Survivors Guide to Mullholland Drive

By Brad Detchevery

Orginal: May 20, 2002

If you are reading this guide than I will assume that you just finished watching Mullholland Drive, a film by David Lynch. If you’re anything like me, your mind is grasping and anything and everything to try to make some sense of this picture, the storyline, plot, characters, what the whole movie was about. This guide cannot make sense of the madness of this film or its director, but rather gives an overview of the picture, surmises on why the movie maybe why it is, and makes grand assumptions on what the movie is about. These are my faint attempts to make sense of a movie that make a surrealistic painting look like a true work of art.

First things first, the movie doesn’t make sense and it’s not supposed to, Mr Lynch never intended it to. It is very important to understand this simple statement before going any further. The human mind has a need to make sense of everything, and it is this need that MullHolland Drive preys upon. The yearning to make sense of a random sense of events, untied subplots, and changing character names into a nice easy flowing story that we can easily grasp and then move on with our lives.

Mr Lynch is the same director that brought us the TV story Twin Peaks. A careful examination of this director’s style reveals that a common thread in his pictures is to leave open ended subplots and untied up endings to leave the audience wondering what is going on, what does this scene have to do with the movie ?, what happened to this character. Mr Lynch fills our minds with scene after random scene as our mind tries to grasp the meaning and continues to come up with nothing. Mullholland Drive is no exception.

Mullholland Drive was originally intended to be the pilot for an ABC TV series. Rumour has it that ABC/Walt Disney invested close to 7 million dollars into this pilot and got a story that was so twisted and confusing they did not want to take the gamble and release it to TV. It appears that the original screenplay revolved around 2 characters (Betty/Rita) as they start a new life together in Hollywood, after discovering that Rita has lost her memory, and appears to have been involved with some type of murder. Of course, many of the numerous subplots regarding the blue key, the director, the strange guy behind the restaurant (Denny’s) may have advanced further in a mini-series style TV show, but there isn’t time to do this if the picture is being turned into a movie, and since leaving loose ends is Mr Lynch’s style, who would notice any difference.

Okay, so imagine for a moment that you just wrote a pilot for a TV series only to be told that your picture is too confusing for the TV audience and that it would not be aired. Well like any mentally instance storyteller and director, you take your vengeance out on your work, totally mess it up so that it is un-recognizable. This is probably similar to what a writing or painter might to

do respond to criticism, or what a ‘sur-realistic’ artist does. Mr Lynch does this with his movie, he attempts to condense what he thought of as a TV series into a 2.5 hour motion picture and still convey the message of life in Hollywood, while at the same time making a statement about the way he ‘see’s life as a filmmaker, director, and his interaction with the actors, and actresses in his life. Or so I imagine anyway.

I think that the changing of the characters name in the last 30-45 minutes of the movie is to make a statement on the many faces of people in Hollywood. One one hand, there is a distinction between the lives of the actors and the characters they play, the way people think of actors and the attributes the general public have of them, and their actual lives, something which the general public knows nothing about. Another possible statement is the many faces of a person. How one day a person can be open and willing to help with a movie/series and then the next day close everything down and turn against you. I think Mr Lynch felt this way before ABC cancelled his MullHolland Drive series idea, but further enhanced it in his last 30 minutes after this experience.

I think he also tried to portray the many different types of actors in Hollywood from the naive/innocent type (Betty) to the cut-throat do anything to get ahead type (Joe – the guy that botched the fake suicide/murder). I think Lynch probably identifies most with Dan, the guy that has the dream about the monster behind the restaurant. He is afraid of things that he knows can/does happen yet is powerless to do anything about it, and he cannot stand to be directly confronted with it so has to approach it from this unique sur-realistic viewpoint. (the dream)

When Betty first gets of the plane, she says goodbye to an old Woman, and man. I think that these represent the ‘audience’ from Lynch’s point of view. Again with multiple faces here, as interested and excited about a new film, but at the same time a ‘stress’ to live up to, a ‘something’ to satisfy. Perhaps, no matter how hard he tries, he can never quite get there and they are always on his mind.

These are just some ideas of what might have been going through Mr Lynch’s mind as he mangled his twisted TV pilot, into a confusing array of random scene’s sewn together by his hopes and desires. Some would say that you can’t fault Mr Lynch for this because this is the way he makes his movies, so he is simply holding true to his nature. These are probably the same people that look at abstract art and see meaning in it.

I hope that this paper has helped you to put to rest the many thoughts that may flow through your mind after watching the picture, if not I urge you to try. Destroy the movie and forget you ever saw it, because the deeper you look into it, the more confused you become, and in the end only Mr. Lynch knows what his movie was about, what was going on in his head, and I doubt he will ever tell us in plain and simple terms.

© 2002 Brad Detchevery. All thoughts expressed are the opinion of the author and may hold no resemblance to reality.